Find A Reason
by bowtiedarling
Summary: I used to be full of dreams, wishes, and hopes. Now, I'm just broken. Trying to find a reason to believe. Written for the Twilight PostSecret Challenge


Thanks to my beta MissJuly80 for helping me out!

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight characters, I just write about them.

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><p>I stuffed my sweats and t-shirt from gym class into the small cube along with my shoes and shoved the locker door shut. I hurriedly searched for the keys to my old truck and found them at the bottom of my bag, quickly snatching them out and throwing the hood of my jacket up. I didn't want to talk to anyone today.<p>

I pushed the door to the gym open with my bag and stepped into the cold, damp air. Out of habit I glanced to the right of me; nothing. Of course I knew he wouldn't be there waiting for me. The little girl in me kept thinking that just maybe one day he would be there leaning against the wall, waiting to drive me home.

I shook my head to clear the daydream and took a deep breath. 'He's never coming back Bella. Forget about it.'

I stepped off the curb into the packed parking lot and began weaving my way through the mass of cars. I ignored all of the stares and the pointing as I walked; I was used to it by now. The comments, the things that were said under their breath, they hadn't changed. They thought I was crazy. "He was just a guy," they'd say.

Nobody understood.

No one knew what it felt like to find your soul mate, your other half, then have them throw your heart in a blender and hand it back, with no hope of putting it back together. I did.

I finally reached my truck and threw the door open, tossing my backpack across to the passenger seat before slamming the heavy metal door shut. My hands blindly found the steering wheel and gripped it tightly as I tried to calm my breathing and deal with the memories. This was always one of the hardest parts of the day. We would talk, about nothing and everything, as he drove me home, continuing our conversation until just before Charlie got home. He didn't want to push anything with Charlie.

I reached for the keys that were resting in my lap and turned the key in the ignition. My truck roared to life and for once I was thankful that it was so loud; it helped to drown out the thoughts inside my head. I carefully but quickly backed my car out and drove as fast as I could through the parking lot. As I turned onto the highway towards the house I tried to look forward to the rest of my day. I was going to see Jacob Black. Jacob was my salvation right now, the one thing I had left in my life that meant something to me. I needed a friend, a partner in crime, a distraction from the events that brought me to the lowest point in my life. The point that Jacob seemed determined to bring me back from. I knew his feelings for me differed than mine for him, but as Charlie had said, sometimes you had to learn to love what was good for you. Easier said than done.

I turned off the highway and brought my truck to a stop next to the path that led to the house. This would just be a quick stop; more for Charlie's sake than for mine. I slid the key into the lock and turned it to the right, waiting for the click before throwing the door open. I dropped the keys onto the kitchen table before walking across the small space and opening the fridge door. I glanced around for a few seconds before finding the meat I had saved from last night's dinner. I moved toward the counter and grabbed a knife, chopping it into small strips before moving them to a Ziploc bag, as well as some Swiss cheese and tomato. I placed it onto the top shelf and moved the mayo next to it; easier for Charlie to find that way.

I shut the door and spun around, sighing and running a hand through my hair as I searched the room. I finally found the pen and paper on the counter in the back corner, Charlie's chicken scratch deeply embedded in the underlying sheets. I ripped a piece off and grabbed the pen before moving to the table.

_Dad-_

_Went to see Jake. I cut some meat up for you with_

_cheese and tomato, it's next to the mayo. Bread is_

_in the cupboard. Will be back before 10pm. Call Billy_

_if you need me._

_-Bella_

I left it on the corner of the table so he'd see it and grabbed my keys before darting upstairs to grab a different jacket and the throw off my bed. I had learned quickly that since Jake had phased they rarely kept blankets around for those of us that froze on a regular basis. I bounded down the steps and locked the door before climbing into my truck and turning the heat to high. Not that it would help. I would get to his place before it kicked in. I let the truck warm up for a minute or two before backing out and beginning the familiar drive to La Push.

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><p>"Bella please. This friendship works because you don't touch a damn thing and I do all the work. Let's keep it that way."<p>

I rolled my eyes at his jab but curled my lips up a little. "I just feel bad with you doing all the work, as usual. Can't I screw a bolt on or something?"

Jake laughed and turned around from his spot on the floor. "You can order pizza. You'll be helping a growing guy get his nourishment."

I rolled my eyes again but reached for my cellphone and dialed the familiar number. As I waited for the person to take my order I watched my best friend as he worked on the ATV in front of him, or lack thereof. I enjoyed watching him fix and build different things, I wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because that was when he was most relaxed. I snapped out of my thoughts when a voice came over the phone and I quickly ordered. I ended the call and walked back over to him before sitting on one of the tires that were placed next to his current project. I reached for the throw and wrapped it around my shoulders, snuggling into its warmth. "So are you up for a movie Friday night?"

He smirked and glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. "Are you asking me out?"

"Only if you are going to pay for me."

He shook his head and tightened up a bolt on the engine before grabbing a different tool. "One day you're going to say that seriously and mean it." I tried to interrupt but he wouldn't let me. "Don't make me see one of those stupid terrible gory movies again Bells. They're just dumb. You're a girl, shouldn't you like romance?"

I opened my mouth to comment but choked on my words. I took a deep breath and tried to continue. "Not since, well, anyway, maybe there's a drama playing. One that has some sort of element of reality in it." I picked at a loose thread on the corner of the blanket, trying to push it back into the weave of the fabric.

I heard him place a piece of metal on the floor and felt him sit down next to me, his warmth radiating through the blanket. "Bella I'm sorry I didn't-"

I shook my head and nudged him with my shoulder. "Don't, it's fine." I moved to rest my head on his shoulder. "I promise I wasn't always like this, like, moody, depressed and boring."

Jacob wrapped his arms around me in a hug, it felt comforting. "You aren't boring. You're going through a rough time. There's a difference. It takes time."

"Charlie threatened to send me to Florida."

Jacob rolled his eyes at my comment. "Over my dead body. You just need your own direction. New dreams and ideas."

I silently nodded my head and bit the corner of my lip. How would I get new dreams when the only ones I was destined for left me? I closed my eyes and prayed that the tears would dissipate before he noticed. I didn't want him flying into one of his 'bloodsucker' rants. I heard a car pull up outside and quickly snapped out of my thoughts before they could multiply. I threw the blanket over Jacob before standing up and grabbing my wallet, eager to break the silence and eat.

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><p>I gently shut the door after locking the truck and made my way up to the house. It was 9:30 and the hall light was on inside; Charlie's cruiser was here, I hoped he wasn't sleeping on the couch waiting for me. I quietly entered the familiar place and set my backpack on the stairs before peering around the corner.<p>

"Bells is that you?"

I sighed and walked toward the couch where he was waking up. "Yeah it's me, hi Dad. Sorry I was with Jake."

He sat up and shook his head trying to rid the sleep before speaking. "It's okay, did you have a good time?"

I smiled slightly and nodded before tucking my hair behind my ear. "Yeah, I like visiting him." Charlie gave a small smile then turned to glance at the clock on the wall, and I took this as my opportunity to escape. "I'm going to get ready for bed, I'm pretty beat. Night Dad." I walked to the stairs, grabbing my bag before heading up the steps. I dropped the bag at the foot of my bed before falling across the soft surface. The nights were always the hardest for me. That was when all my dreams and beliefs vanished, my thoughts ran rampant, and my heart broke all over again. It was getting harder for me to believe that this feeling of constant aching would ever end.

I lifted my wrist up and slowly traced the crescent shaped scars that were embedded. The one reminder I had that he was real. That at one point I seemed to be living my own version of a fairytale.. I shut my eyes and remembered that night in vivid detail, the memories I had once tried to forget now the only thing I wanted to hold on to, the one memory I clung to.

I rolled off my bed and walked over to my desk, powering my computer on before shuffling to the dresser. I grabbed a pair of pajamas and moved to the bathroom, changing and brushing my teeth while I waited for my computer. I ran my hair brush through the strands before turning the light off and padding back to my room. I shut the overhead light off and followed the glow of the screen and desk lamp. I clicked the mail icon and waited for it to open; I was trying to formulate my words in my head. I clicked 'Compose New Message' and wrote the date in the subject.

_To: _

_Subject: February 4__th_

_Alice,_

_Today was almost a good day. Aside from the stares I could get through the classes. I went to see Jake today too; he's always a great distraction. I keep gripping onto reality, otherwise I'll drown in numbness. Just when I think I might be moving forward, I'll see or hear something, that reminds me of him, and it's like someone punching me from all angles. I don't know if I can ever get over it. It's always worse when I'm alone, when no one is with me. I can never stop my thoughts from wandering. My nightmares have come back too. Will I ever heal?_

_I'm seeing a movie with Jake on Friday. Maybe that will help. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe._

_Bella_

I pressed send and heard the familiar ping indicating the message was undeliverable. I sighed and quickly shut the lid of the laptop and tried to pretend that the email was somewhere in cyberspace, making it's way to it's recipient. It was all I could do.

I clicked the desk lamp off and stumbled my way in the darkness to my bed, collapsing into the folds of fabric. I reached over and gently touched the dream catcher that was hanging above me, trying to guard me from my mind. I prayed the gift from Jacob would help me get some sleep tonight, sleep that I would wake from rested. It needed to prevent my heart from breaking all over again. I needed a reason to believe everything would be okay. I dropped my hand and snuggled down into the covers, closing my eyes and pretending that he was there next to me, holding me and keeping me safe.

I could try and believe again tomorrow.


End file.
